Heartbeat

I almost lost you. But, I could hear you now. A slow and steady pulse.

*lup-dup.lup-dup.lup-dup*...

and it keeps beating...

I'm back, and alive.

Death

Watching the video on Bob’s death for the second time in less than 4 months brought you back into my mind. His death reminded me of yours. The minute he let out his last breath, I could no longer hold those thick fat bubbles from streaming down my cheeks. I miss you ever more. I could imagine you lying on your bed, your brain slowly shuts down, the nerve cells disconnecting from one another, and all that was left was your body, an empty core, lying still, waiting to let its last breath out. Was it painful? Did you experience the pain that Bob did? I would never know. The fact is you are gone, now and forever. It is time like this I wish that you were here. Then, at least, I would know what to do. You are always so wise, and strong. You surely would know, won’t you?

It is all too late now. You are gone, and you will never be back. But, you will always remain in my heart. Your strong character, your love for your family, your determination, the warmth of your hands, your smell, your big reading glasses…. You never fail to give me a peck on my cheeks before leaving your house, and so often, I would simply reply with a single “bye”, not even “I love you”. I cannot forgive myself for not saying “I love you” more often. Are you still able to hear them now? I wonder.

Most importantly, your departure reminds me of how limited our time is on earth. The person dearest to us would eventually leave us someday. Death can be our advisor, reminding us how important it is to treasure each moment in life, to love while the other party can still receive it, to forgive, and forget, and just be in the present.

“If we can’t accept the fact that we will die someday, we will never learn to live.” – Tuesdays with Morrie

You and Me and What's Out There

You are a stranger in this land, bound for excitements.
What lies ahead, no one knows.
Beyond this realm, is another world.
A world, where you might find yourself more comfortable in, or not.

I tried to fit into your world.
Perhaps the excitement, or is it the instability, I am beginning to feel worn out.
This, this requires too much energy, that I am incapable to provide.

Finally, those words came blurting out my mouth during those 5 minutes.

Maybe someday, you will get to where I am, and I might still be there.
Or maybe, by the time you get there, I might have board the next train, setting off for my next adventure.
Now, it is your time, your time to step out of this realm, and experience the world as it is. And it will only be unjust, if I try holding you back.
I had my chances two years ago, and I took it. So, it is your turn now.

Stop hesitating. It is a mere act of cowardice.

It is time for us to step out from both of our comfort zones, and experience what is out there. We might get hurt throughout the process, but we will surely learn, learn to become stronger and more independent.

Gain a little, lose a little, and life goes on.

You gain, you lose, and the wheel of life keeps spinning.

I did not notice the changes in me, until I was reminded on how care free I used to be, how easy going I used to be, and how I patient I used to be. Perhaps that was what you saw in me.

I lost myself in the process of loving you. Perhaps, I cared too much, and I am sure you did not care less. Now, we have lost it, partially. Don't know when will we gain it back again, perhaps, never, but, life goes on, no?

You asked me what I want? I want to be myself again. The person in me that you might or might not love again.

Perhaps today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or never, we never know. At the mean time, life goes on.

Guard My Heart

If all these are mere punishment for my behavior, I wish it would stop.
Stop going back and forth. I do not know how much longer I can stand this misery.
I am begging you, please.

=)

Winter used to be unbearable till you came along.
The wind freezes my heart, my feet, my hands, my face, my ears, my everything, and your presence warm them, your hugs melt them, bringing them back to life again.

Finals week used to be unbearable till you came along.
Door to door 711 hotdog service at 5a.m in the morning, watching you cutting those pie charts and pasting them on to the poster board with your clumsy little fingers made me laugh. Knowing that I am not alone, my shoulder felt immensely lighter.

Most of all, my favorite part of the day is to fall asleep in your arms, and knowing that I will wake up the next morning, in your arms.

p/s: your store credit has been increased from $300 to $900. =))

Honesty

Sometimes, we tell lies to protect the people we love.
On other occasions, we do so to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Often, these “other occasions” appear more frequently than the “sometimes”.
I am ashamed. I fear. I simply could not.

I admire people who are honest. I appreciate honesty.

Towards the end of psychology class on Friday, Dr. Foster said something that I will always remember. Not just the words, also the emotions that were evoked.

“ I love my wife so much that I married her knowing that she will die….when she does, I will be heartbroken. I was ready to risk the chances of having a heartbreak, because I love her.”

Silence filled the room.

That statement was not necessary to justify the lecture. Yet, he did so, with such sincerity and honesty. It was truly beautiful.